Today’s StillSpeaking Devotional was thoughtful and apt.  Rev. Mary Luti refers to “Deus Absconditus”.  I HAD to look up the meaning?  I think of abscond as the little boy taking cookies.  It’s a word my Papa used to use!

Merriam-Webster’s definition:

DEUS ABSCONDITUS

: hidden God : God unknowable by the human mind
Well, how about that?  The hidden God who is unknowable by the human mind is the God I pray to every time I pray.  It is God’s “unknowability”, God’s excession (that God exceeds) that makes me worship this God.  It’s God’s ‘moreness’.
I am reminded of the word “inscrutable”…  Like an onion, having many layers.
God the Onion
And how appropriate that this was my prayer today:

Today I feel physically poor enough that I could put my head down and cry.  Even writing this makes my eyes well up.  And yet, it’s not that I am too weak, too ill, too pained.  It’s that I’m finding it hard to keep going.  I don’t know if you’ve heard Tenth Avenue North’s song “Worn” on the radio.  It’s pretty close to how I feel:

“Worn”

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

worn

You’ll notice there’s no upbeat section where God rushes in and makes everything alright.  That’s reality.  God doesn’t rescue us from these times; God gives us strength (If we want it and take it) to live through those times.  Due to my health (lack thereof actually), I’m dealing with one now.  I know I just need to go on in spite of it, but it’s hard to muster up the strength.  I worked five hours on Monday (then 2.5 on the 2nd job) and stayed in bed yesterday.  Physically, I’ve had enough rest, but my head is stuffy, my nose is full of sores and I feel like a horse who’s been “rode hard and put up wet”.

How’s that for a lovely image?  Pretty crappy, eh?

Here’s my good news:  my weight is down a total of 14 pounds since May 28, when it hit its highest.  I’m back where I was when I hit my lowest with weight watchers.  Here’s my other good news:  my nails are stronger than they’ve ever been & longer than they’ve ever been on their own.  Here’s one more piece of good news, I’m eating very carefully, for health & nutrition.  The final good news of the day?  The “Doc-in-a-Box” (urgent care walk-in of the medical practice I use), guy was very kind and gave me a 14 day script for Amoxicillin.

Eternal Energy,

You are always God.  Whether times are good or bad, you continue to be present and working hard for the coming of your kingdom on earth. What seems impossible to us, what seems extremely difficult to us, is merely another bit of motion for you.  I can’t begin to understand what you are, who you are, how far you go.  But I know you are energy; you are goodness personified; you are everlasting; you are taller than the mountains, larger than the oceans and your love never gives up.  You are more. You are amazing.  I worship you.

Never-stopping Nudger,

Just as I try to know what to write to you here, I get notices that Susan has sent a prayer to me via e-mail.  And as I click them into the background on my computer, the reminder pops up to “Pray”.  You just don’t give up, do you!  You tickle me!  You are the God of co-incidence…  and paradox.

Loving Light,

As I spend time with song lyrics, another set comes to me, Building 429’s “We Won’t Be Shaken”.

“We Won’t Be Shaken”

This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won’t be shaken

You know my every longing
You’ve heard my every prayer
You’ve held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I’ll stand in full surrender
It’s your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken

We will trust in you
We will not be moved

Lord,

I cry out to you to help me keep my sunny side up. Help me to smile and to continue through whatever comes my way.  You know I always trust in you; I know you to be a good God, worthy of all praise.  You are the only one.

Lord,

I pray that you will strengthen me.  Help me to work with my doctors to find a way to stay healthy enough to do your work and to make a living.

Lord,

I pray for Steve and me. You have bound us together with your love. Help us to appreciate one another, and the efforts needed to make it through the day.  Lord, when I say appreciate, I mean to recognize the value of what is done (and what is said and thought, and the effort to smile even if not feeling happy).  Lord, remind me that the dogs go ballistic with glee when we come home; let me be the same.  Let me convey to Steve your extravagant grace, your extravagant welcome, your extravagant, overflowing, relentless love.  Help us to edify one another, and at the very least to support one another.

Incredible Imagineer,

Thank you for the thoughts you’ve planted in my head in the last hour – as I think of you.  Thank you for tissues into which I can blow my nose.  Thank you for neti pots to clean out the junk stuck in my nose and sinuses that stuffs me up and hurts.  Thank you for sleep that rebuilds me.  Thank you for protein and carbohydrates that come in the form of good tasting food.  Thank you for fresh vegetables at this time of year.  Thank you for oxygen.  Thank you for life.  Thank you for making me a person who wants to do better.  Thank you for making me a person who wants to help bring your kingdom to come on earth, as it is in heaven.  Lord, I love you so much!

While I fall short of the mark he left on this world, I still dare to pray in Jesus’ name,

Amen.

To God be the glory!

To God be the Glory!

© Melissa Pazen, 2013

Live Inspired:  pray continually; think boldly; dare greatly; love unconditionally; act deliberately, kindly, justly, mercifully and humbly; forgive easily; laugh frequently!

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